This news brought such joy and excitement to our hearts. We waited until around 15 weeks in the pregnancy to share this news with our children. We gave them each a clue and let them discover the news.
Unfortunately, this wasn't the joyous occasion that it had been so many times before. Our sonogram technician was unable to find a heartbeat. With much sorrow, we gathered our children around and told them that we don't understand why our baby died. We shared with them that our God is sovereign, and that he makes no mistakes. We shared with them the painful truth that sometimes God gives and sometimes he takes life. And through our tears we loved on the beautiful blessings that God has given us.
Some things in life are just hard, and this was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. It was another 8 days before our son was born. I gave birth to him at our home. Shortly after we took him to the funeral home. A few days later he was buried.
It has been one month since Adrian was born. Until his birth, I have never known the pain of burying a piece of your heart, but I have also never known such peace that passes all understanding. In the midst of my deepest sorrow, I was carried by a God who loves me and knows me better than I even know myself. In this experience, He granted me scriptures that have helped so much. Psalm 139 has become a very vivid piece of scripture for us, specifically verses 13-16.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Adrian's death has taught me several things. I have always been pro-life. However, after giving birth at 16 weeks, I saw how perfect our son was. God had intricately fashioned every detail of his body. He was absolutely perfect. I am convinced more than ever, that abortion is not the answer for people who do not want a baby. I am also convinced more than ever, that God is real. No person could fashion a baby into existence like that. There was such perfection in his little body. God is real. If you ever doubt that, look into the face of a baby.
We trust that one day we will see our son again. We believe right now he is in the presence of God. Death is not the end, but rather the entrance into eternity. One day like Adrian, we will all face death. If you know Jesus, this will be a glorious day. For one day time will no longer exist. One day a voice from the throne will proclaim, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:3-4.) Until then, we hope in the promises of his word.
I would never have chosen for Adrian to leave this earth when he did. There are times when I wish I could feel one more kick, hold him in my arms, or watch him grow up. But when I feel or think those sad things, I choose to thank God for the joy Adrian brought to me. I choose to trust God. His plan is perfect. He makes NO mistakes.
